Previously on Niko and the Sword of Light...
A ping-beetle! That's gotta be how Nar Est is tracking us!
Father had me learn 90 million customs from around the world.
I truly wish I had your faith in her, Sargous.
You have to sever the link.
You'd have no way to contact us.
Corondolet would be cut off from our source of magic.
Would you let humanity fade to nothing?
Enough, Belatha. We'll know when they've succeeded.
For now, we wait.
At least there's nothing in these parts
that's trying to crush us.
[roaring]
I am Niko, and this is my Sword of Light!
I am here to free my people
and defeat the darkness forever!
[roaring]
[screaming]
[loud stomping]
- Have no fear! - No, Niko!
I shall dispatch this monster.
Monster? Your group interrupts
my formal roaring practice,
and I'm the monster?
You offend me!
I was coming to see if you were hurt.
Niko, put your sword away.
Sigurden, I'm trying to practice my formal roaring, ja?
Ja, apologies. I came over to see
if these clumsy Shrufgumpers were injured
and they call me names and threaten me with a sword.
Ja? You should file a complaint. Ja?
Ja! Please to come with to Bureaucratis
where I can register offense.
It's protocol.
Of course, good creature.
Why don't you lead the way?
- Hmm? - Time to go.
Escape?
Wily Mandok! An excellent idea!
No. Trying to run would only make it worse.
These are Umlauti. They can help us. Stay cool.
"Cool?" It's freezing.
Colder than an Ungamunt's breakfast.
The tribunal is in session!
I am Secretary Offishiss.
One of you threatened a citizen of Bureaucratis with a weapon?
This is a grave offense.
Secretary Offishiss, I am Princess Lyra of Corondolet,
and this whole thing is a big misunderstanding.
Corondolet? Truly?
[low snarling]
Are you here to re-establish diplomatic relations?
Because, in that case,
you would have diplomatic immunity.
What is this "diplomatic immunity?"
It means you cannot be punished for most infractions.
Oh really?
Diplomatic immunity!
Brave Umlauti! You must aid us in our fight
against the evil Nar Est, who has imprisoned Corondolet,
and casts an ever-darkening shroud over the land!
- The nerve! - Terrible protocol.
Niko! [nervous chuckle]
He means we have much to speak of
after our two great peoples reestablish relations.
You may rest in the Corondolet Suite.
It has not been used in 768 years,
but we kept it tidy.
We shall have tea in an hour, ja?
Tea! Um, ja. Great.
The accommodations are most satisfactory.
Not too shabby.
Why are you so ill at ease, Lyra?
This place has many rules, and you do love rules.
We're having a tea ceremony!
You say those words as if we were facing a Mutanasaurus.
This is much worse.
The Umlauti are real sticklers for protocol.
If we offend them in any way,
they'll throw us in the Ice Caves for an eternity.
We are having tea. Is that not a beverage?
You'd be more worried if you knew about the Wrong Spoon War.
Or the Spilled Sugar Cubes of Harvest Brunch,
or worst of all--
the Terrapinian Hicca-Burping Incident.
Take a look.
This is the short version of Umlauti customs and protocol.
The full version wouldn't fit in this room.
Chapter 27, section 16, paragraph 11, part C.
On meeting an Umlauti wearing a hat,
in weather that does not call for a hat,
it is best not to comment on the hat.
Please do not make me read this.
Blast it, Niko! Blast it!
Read, if you need something to do.
Whoa!
I have never seen myself without pond ripples.
I am quite striking.
- Dark sorcery! - Huh?
That's not sorcery, Niko. That's home!
The palace of Corondolet!
How hard can it be to find a pint-sized champion,
a bratty Princess, and a rodent?
Especially when they keep getting involved in my master plan?
They do keep getting involved in your business.
I just said that. Were you not listening?
[groans]
Now, let's see.
Before my Ping-Beetle went kaput--
Of course. They were approaching the Peaks of Peril.
That's Umlauti territory.
If they manage to get those beasts on their side,
it could tip the scales.
If you would just answer the Umlauti diplomatic questionnaire...
Never! I don't want allies, Rasper.
I want groveling subjects.
Like this Rabbitora.
Hey! I was gonna eat that!
You'll get nothing and like it.
Huh. That's a big fine for shedding in public.
Come on, come on.
Staring at this seems
to not be the best use of our time.
This is an opti-locutor. I can't believe it's still working.
If it's active on the other side, it should--
There! Sargous! Belatha!
I told you the opti-locutor had been activated!
Princess Lyra! Thank goodness you're safe.
And the champion? Is he with you?
Yes. I am Niko,
and I am honored to serve.
There is no danger I will not face,
no evil I will not fight,
and no water slide I will not ride!
Niko and I are in Bureaucratis.
What are you doing there?
It's a long story,
but we're about to have tea with the Secretary.
- Surely not! - Oh, anguish and woe!
Yes. Never has sipping tea been so treacherous.
Princess Lyra, the Umlauti have the last great army in the land.
You must gain them as allies.
I will do my best.
Wait. Why is it so dark there?
Without the shard our protective magic is weakening.
When it's gone, the city and all within it shall be lost.
We have but days left.
Provided that beastly bird doesn't peck us to pieces before that.
- I didn't know. - You were right
to sever your link with us, Princess.
Niko is truly our last and only hope.
Fear not. Nar Est will be defeated
and you shall be saved.
Act quickly, little champion.
For all our sakes.
And whatever you do at the tea ceremony,
do not say thank you.
Sargous! Belatha!
Come back!
No matter. It is up to us now.
Right. Get ready for a crash course in tea ceremony protocol, Niko.
You too, Mandok.
Did you know this thing has a massage setting?
One minute of non-threatening small talk begins now!
For the love of pudding...
Secretary Offishiss...
how has the weather been in Bureaucratis?
[muttering]
Princess Lyra.
The weather here has been...
moderately nice.
Tea is served!
Wish I had diplomatic immunity from people hollering.
You can do this.
A satisfactory start, Princess of Corondolet.
Only twenty-eight steps to go, ja?
Go and join my regiment of evil, thus I command.
Some good work today.
When you love your job, it's not really work.
[throat clear] Umm, excuse me your Lord High Evilness.
We have guards, right?
What? What now?
The hoo-man champion de-cursed us again
with his horrible, glowy stick.
We got hit by mistake.
Ohh, I said steak. Now I'm hungry.
Evil Sir, we're sorry for lettin' you down
and gettin' all un-monsterized again.
We'd be real appreciative for another chance.
Any other day, I'd let Rasper eat you.
But today, I need you.
Yay, today!
Monsterize us!
[laughing]
And so, an alliance against Nar Est would be in our mutual interest.
If not, he will lay waste to this beautiful, functional city,
just as he did to Corondolet.
We cannot act against Nar Est until
he declares his intentions toward us,
by answering our diplomatic query.
That's protocol.
What if he never answers, and attacks while you wait?
What? No! He's not some
WayvernFjordinGordin.
As this matter stands,
our aid is limited to food, shelter, washrooms,
and directions or maps but not both,
and we may wish you well on your journey.
Good luck on your journey.
What a rip.
Of course, Secretary Offishiss.
Thank you.
- Oh, no. - Thank you!
[roaring]
Good protocol means never having to say thank you!
Seize them!
To the Ice Caves with you all!
For how long?
Five hundred years, of course!
On the plus side, they are lovely this time of year.
No! Our mission! You can't do this!
Wait! While diplomatic immunity
doesn't excuse a tea ceremony insult,
ipso daisy-o,
the insult can be nullified
by winning an Obstacluge Challenge,
for which we volunteer our champion, Niko.
That's right. I read your rule book
and figured out all the loopholes.
Ja. It is true. Let it be so.
What is an Obstacluge Challenge?
I never got to that part. It's a really big book.
It is a race down an ice slide and obstacle course.
A frozen water slide?
Yes, yes! A thousand times yes!
Wait! We don't even know the rules!
Oh, you will.
Finally, section 46,
paragraph 81, subsection H--
Luge cupholders may be no smaller
than five kronbits,
but no larger than seven.
Make it stop.
Whoa! I'm awake!
May I please go down the frozen water slide now?
Pretty please?
Right after we choose our representative for the race.
This should take no more than two days.
Jackal: Not necessarily.
As a second party with a grievance
against the first party can take the place of the Umlauti luger.
I know that voice.
It's Jackal.
How did you find us?
Ho, ho.
Careful where you drop your Ping-Beetles.
This is highly irregular. Who is this?
He was my treacherous sidekick!
Leave at once or I shall thrash you,
ally of Nar Est!
You'll get your chance. I declare a grievance.
This group stole a shard from the crystal of Carondolet.
As a representative of Nar Est,
I demand to race Niko
to take ownership of his sword,
which the shard is a part of.
I did not see that coming.
Is this true, Princess Lyra?
Is Niko's weapon made of stolen property?
That's a lie!
The sword is Niko's,
and it was Nar Est that stole the jewel of Carondolet
when he imprisoned our city, then cast our lands into darkness.
Note that the sword's ownership is in dispute!
The challenge to the Challenge shall be allowed!
Niko, whatever you do, don't use the sword in the race.
If you do, you'll be disqualified and lose.
On my honor, you will be defeated.
How are you still alive, kid?
- Hey, is your shoe untied? - Hmm?
Hey!
Woo-hoo!
The track is solid ice, of course.
The jumps and loops let the lugers go at great speed
if they're skilled, ja?
It seems your champion is not skilled, though. Ja?
Too slow, kid!
I cannot hear you, as I am so far in front!
Woo-hoo!
Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Yay, Niko!
Go!
Ha-ha! I knew it was a good idea for me to volunteer Niko
for something I knew absolutely nothing about.
And now we release the wolverseal.
Wolver-what?
Wolvie the wolverseal.
Official living obstacle of the Obstacluge Challenge,
- and beloved by our kind. - What does it do?
Why, eat any competitors he catches, of course.
[snarling]
[roaring]
[screams]
Ice Caves here we come.
Nice reflexes.
It's almost gonna be a shame to beat you.
I gave you a chance to redeem yourself,
yet you remain Nar Est's puppet.
How can you possess so little honor?
Honor and redemption are slogans, kid.
Make no mistake. I'm in it for me.
[cries out]
Come on Niko!
I don't want to freeze to death in the Ice Caves!
I mean, save yourself!
Secretary Offishiss,
why are you making that face?
Is something wrong?
No reason. My face is always this way.
[chuckling]
I think they're laughing.
His skating style
is that of a one-antlered YiminyShprunkinHeimer!
[chuckling]
[gasping]
-Did you see that? -Ja!
Wolvie! Don't be a hero! Protect yourself!
Whoa! Excuse me, out of control beast.
Allow me to help us both! Force Blast!
Now, let us win this race together! What do you say?
[roaring]
They're closer than two NortzGoofins
in a Vortz-crevasse!
Come on, Niko!
You can do it!
[chirping]
- Ha-ha! - [groans]
Oh, havoc!
The race is over.
Judgment will now be passed.
[muttering]
How can you side with Nar Est, Jackal?
Now I get it.
You're where Niko gets his weakness from.
Speak no ill of Lyra, wily foe!
She is my strength.
I won the race,
so give me what rightfully belongs to Nar Est.
I serve him, for the moment.
No!
This-- this-- is a--
a mockery of protocol!
Tell me I'm right.
Ja, you crossed the finish line first,
but cheated as you tried to harm Niko,
and more importantly, Wolvie.
You will go to the Ice Caves for five hundred years
to think about what you have done.
Hold on! Niko used the disputed sword in the race!
He and his group should also go to the Ice Caves!
[muttering]
While that is true,
the weapon was used not to win or threaten you,
but to save Wolvie's life.
For that, we deem no penalty.
[cheering]
Good Secretary, I believe Jackal has been poisoned by Nar Est.
I beg you, show mercy for his underhanded actions.
Niko is a fine choice to represent Carondolet, Princess Lyra.
Like a little scrappy Wundergorn, but also noble.
Quite special, ja?
He is. Ja!
What do you have to say, representative of Nar Est?
[gasps]
Wow, that guy is slippery.
As victor of the Obstacluge Challenge,
for saving Wolvie,
and making us laugh with your hilarious clumsiness,
we give you this everfrost medallion.
My gratitude, but I strongly disagree about the clumsiness,
as I am not clumsy!
Know also that we are displeased with Nar Est.
His representative reflects poorly on him.
Please think over what I have said
about joining with us.
As you did save Wolvie, we shall.
You'll have an expedited answer in six years,
so really quick, ja?
In the meantime, this express luge
will take you to the Mounds of Mania, near the Cursed Volcano.
And within striking distance of Nar Est.
Woo-hoo!
Uh-oh!
Jump!
I can't believe the Umlauti would send us down something so unsafe.
Oh, they didn't.
We did. [laughs]
You barely beat us before.
How do you like us now?
Chirp